The new term for that ever decreasing stage between childhood and adolescence is the ''tween'' years. These years can be tough for parents and daughters alike. Research has shown that girls' self-images can be particularly fragile in the pre-teen and early teenage years. It's vital that we build up our daughters' self-esteem and help them to feel good about themselves.
At the same time, if we are too lax with our parental guidelines, we may, inadvertently promote the very behaviour that we're hoping to avoid. In the pre-teen years, we may feel that our darling daughters have suddenly become egocentric and a little self-obsessed. I know my own nine and 11-year-old daughters can sometimes be so focussed on their own plans that they can forget that the needs and desires of other family members have to be considered.
A major part of bringing up children in the Christian tradition is to teach them to put other people first and to aim to serve as well as being served. As parents we have to try to guide our 'tween'-aged daughters in the right direction, helping them to be respectable and well-balanced but without putting too many burdens on their shoulders.
It's not always easy to get the balance right, but there are a few very effective and positive things we can do to ease that delicate transmission between childhood and womanhood.
A lot of pre-teen behaviour is very much based on testing the waters and seeing how far the boundaries can be pushed. Of course not every child is the same but every child will have their own individual characteristics and personality traits that they have to work with.
Parents have to use a fairly gentle approach - opposing one's parents is a normal part of pre-teen development but it can be annoying and frustrating. It's tempting for parents to shout and to lose the cool but it may be wise to choose one's battles. Not every issue is worth a major blow up. We can bear in mind the example of Jesus in the way his responses were measured against the perspective of the eternal bigger picture.
It's interesting to note the words of Pope Pius XII to a gathering of women of Catholic Action from all dioceses of Italy on the Feast of Christ the King, October 26, 1941, when he talked of no art being more difficult and strenuous as that of fashioning the souls of children. He spoke of how the souls of the young are ''so very tender, so easily disfigured through some thoughtless influence or wrong advice.'' He urged parents to study each child in his early years with the aim of knowing him or her intimately - ''If you know him well you will educate him well; you will not misconceive his character; you will come to understand him, knowing when to give way and when to be firm.''
The words of Pope Pius still hold true today and particularly in dealing with the specific challenges related to parenting a preteen daughter. What parenting strategies will help keep our precious daughters' feet firmly on the ground while boosting their self-esteem and giving them that vital sense of their own self-worth?
One approach is to encourage your daughters to get involved in activities that are focussed on the needs of others. There is always a great need for volunteers for all sorts of charity events and activities - a sponsored cycle or walk, a trip to a nursing home or something closer to home such as helping out with a sick grandparent or planning a birthday surprise for a family member. These sorts of activities will assist a daughter in looking beyond her own immediate concerns.
In a larger family, the older girls can be given responsibility for younger siblings in some capacity, however small.
Whatever positive action we spot in our young preteen daughters, we must be quick to reinforce that positivity with heartfelt praise. Our daughters need the reassurance that we think they're great and that we'd be lost without them. While they may not always live up to our expectations, accentuating the positive will make it more likely that they'll want to repeat the more positive behaviour.
If our daughter has tread on the rights of others or has overlooked their feelings, we need to point this out kindly, choosing our time carefully. It's no harm to encourage a little quiet time out and perhaps a few minutes of prayerful reflection. If, as a family, we have developed a habit of family prayer, our pre-teen children will turn to God quite naturally in times of trouble and angst. If family prayer isn't part of our normal routine, it's never too late to begin.
For hormonal teenagers who feel the world is against them, the security of an all loving, all accepting and all forgiving father is very reassuring.
The most important tip in negotiating our daughters' preteen years is to be a good role model ourselves - how we speak to our own mothers and how we treat others is something our daughters will emulate. Our example, especially as mothers, is invaluable and how we show concern and compassion for others, how we value virtues like patience, understanding and kindness is something that our daughters will notice and absorb.
As Catholic parents, we have to give our daughters appropriate choices that will enable them to learn to control their own lives while also respecting parental limits. We must be patient with our daughters' mistakes and misjudgements realising that growing up is a learning process-there's no major rush.
In the words of the Val Doonican song - stay awhile in the special years- their magic will soon be gone. These special years between childhood and maturity are years which we should love and cherish. The positive traits we help our daughters to develop will also help to build a firm base of positive self esteem which is invaluable for every girl. The daughter who feels good about herself and who can control and assess various aspects of her behaviour will someday become the thoughtful, mature and self- sacrificing wife, mother, colleague or friend and give true Christian witness to all those she comes in contact with.
